For Keeps

My oldest daughter is a kind, softhearted child. She helps with dishes. She will also help with odd and ends around the house occasionally without having to ask. However, walk into her room and it is a danger zone. I don't let the baby walk in there for fear of bodily harm. Keep in mind, I do not keep a spotless home, but we do require some resemblance of order.

I noticed very early on that she did not like to throw away anything. She would for example: have a piece of candy wrapper from a family outing. I would have picked it up from her floor and thrown it away. She would walk by the trash can and say something like, " What is this wrapper doing in the trash?" in a very pained sort of way. "You cannot throw it away I got this when we went to the movies. We really enjoyed that movie. How can I throw that away?" As if, I myself was rejecting the whole event by the simple action of throwing away the said wrapper.

I became somewhat of a student of this behavior when I was in my early twenties. I stayed with friends for a summer. In a act of good will I decided to clean out their refrigerator. I was proud of myself for taking on a task that most would avoid. After throwing out a few outdated and moldy items my friend became unglued. I was in shock. I came from the kind of people that followed the rule "When in doubt throw it out." I was truly clueless as to what I had done so offensive. All the emotion that could come from trying to throw out moldy salsa that I was forced to return to it's rightful shelf in the refrigerator, was lost on me.

I have had the benefit of observing different subjects over the years since then. I have made the connections genetically were my daughters hording tendencies come from. I was on the phone one day with my sweet sister-in-law when I admitted I do not hold on to birthday cards forever. Sure, I keep them out for awhile and I am always happy to receive any card that comes our way. However, I throw them out after a decent amount of time. She sounded sad and I regretted it instantly. With this conversation came the realization people who hoard attach memories and when they throw it away the memory just may go with it. I also recognized the kindred spirit that my daughter and her aunt share. The wanting to hold onto everything because someone or something special is associated with it. I understood why both my daughter and sister-in-law would give me things they thought I could "use" over the years. Which became a code word to me for: throw it out. But this connection to what may seem like stuff and clutter is an overflow of their sentimental, tender hearts.

While having the opportunity to study in my daughter the ability to hold on to tiny scraps of paper, cards, invitations, brochures, magazine clippings, church bulletins, memento cups, confetti dropped at midnight, and pictures of people we have long forgotten the name of because we barely knew them anyway, I do not believe I will ever truly get it. I do however, enjoy learning about my children and discovering their funny little quirks and idiosyncrasies. I'm not interested in mothering someone exactly like me. Recognizing and excepting our children's bent is what helps makes us good mothers and our young ones feel appreciated. So, to indulged her a little I think I will print this out and cram it into her large memento drawer.

Copyright 2009